When you consider the friends you see regularly, do you think you will still feel close to them in five years? This includes coworkers you share lunch with, neighbors you socialize with, or a friend’s partner you’ve gotten to know. These relationships often depend on being near each other, and when that changes, the friendship might also fade.
The idea that friendships typically last around five years before people drift apart is referred to as the 5-year-stranger theory. Amanda Burback, a licensed marriage and family therapist and the founder of Mellow Therapy in Los Angeles, explained that this drifting is a normal part of friendship and personal development. She noted that it isn’t a sign of failed friendships but rather a natural shift due to personal growth.
Burback mentioned that friendships usually connect to a shared situation in life, like working at the same job or living in the same area. As life changes, so can the friendships, not because anyone is at fault, but because of natural life transitions.
Realizing that some people you enjoy now may not be in your life later can be hard. Communication often goes quiet, and future plans to meet might not happen. You may not know when the last time you spend with a close friend will be.
However, it can be reassuring to understand that most friendships fade, encouraging you to cherish them while you can. This idea is similar to “Campfire Theory,” which compares friendships to people gathering around a campfire. Some friends stay for a while to enjoy the warmth, while others remain until the fire goes out.
Is the 5-year-stranger theory supported by research? A study from Stockholm University named “Changes in personal relationships: How social contexts affect the emergence and discontinuation of relationships” revealed that after seven years, only 48% of close contacts remained in a person’s network, and just 30% continued as personal friends or practical helpers. The study also found that the overall size of a person’s social network stayed about the same, with some friends leaving and new ones arriving.
It might be disappointing to think that many friends you have now may not be there in seven years. This research serves as a reminder to nurture your friendships and stay connected as circumstances change. Keeping in touch with friends, like a coworker who changes jobs or a neighbor who moves, may require more effort but can help maintain those relationships.
What are your thoughts on how friendships change over time?
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Source: Upworthy, by Tod Perry